So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
