Four minutes until I can fart!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
