Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
