I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
