This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
