YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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