Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
