Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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