I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
