Have you finally orgasmed yet?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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