Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize