Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
