last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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