I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
