I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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