the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize