i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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