There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
