If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Randomize
