He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
