I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
