So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
