your room smells of hookers.
And success
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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