so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
