I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
