Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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