Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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