im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
