Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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