She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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