everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
