There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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