Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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