If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
