don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
