I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
