I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
