the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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