dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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