Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
