so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
