God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
