I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
