The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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