This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
