Where did you get a picture of my penis
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
