70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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