mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Sorry my hands just texted you
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
