I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
