I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
