Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
