My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
