I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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