i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize