I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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