he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
