I can't breathe out the right side of my face
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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