My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
