I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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