I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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