we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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