you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
